


and if i get burned at least we were electrified

by dearhappy



Category: Love Simon (2018), Simonverse | Creekwood Series - Becky Albertalli
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F, mentioned underage drinking, movieverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 10:33:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15337992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearhappy/pseuds/dearhappy
Summary: The thing is she's unlucky because she always likes people more than they like her, she's always seen as just a friend, nothing more. And in theory, it would've been easy to drunkenly make out with her straight girl crush but she knows it would have only ended up meaning way more to her than it would to Abby.





	and if i get burned at least we were electrified

**Author's Note:**

> title: dress by taylor swift
> 
> honestly idk what this is. i just have a lot of thoughts and needed to get this idea out of my system. and because the bursuso tag is kinda dry, i figured why not post it???
> 
> pls enjoy!

 

 

Abby Suso is dressed as Wonder Woman, and Leah feels like the air has been knocked out of her lungs by the mere sight of her. And there’s a shift somewhere in her chest and that small barely there, easy to ignore crush that she has on Abby instantly expands much bigger.

 

Abby smiles nervously when she’s met with silence after explaining how she made up a catchphrase since Wonder Woman doesn’t have one. “Hizzy means house,” she clarifies.

 

They all nod along, murmuring how they got that.

 

And Leah knows she’s trouble because she catches sight of the look on Nick’s face. She can just tell he’s probably feeling the same way as she does when it comes to Abby Suso, which is just so… _Great._

 

It’s just her luck that they’re both crushing on the same girl, and it doesn’t even matter how she feels because Abby is straight. So straight and clearly into Nick because everybody loves Nick.

 

Nick compliments her which kicks Leah into gear as she blinks, focusing her gaze back to Abby’s face. “Yeah. You look awesome,” she says, feeling breathless and like her heart might explode. She takes a deep breath, “Uh, I’m going to go make those frozen pizzas,” she adds quickly.

 

She just needs to put as much distance between herself and them as possible.

  


*

 

By the time they get to Bram’s house the party is in full swing and they haven’t even made it to the door but Leah already wants to go home, not that she’d admit it to the others. The thing is, she’d rather be here regretting her decision, than be at home wondering what’s happening and feeling left out.

 

Leah finds herself following Abby as they walk through the entrance hall of Bram’s house. Martin right on their tail, and he either isn’t reading the social cues or is completely ignoring them as he tries to talk to Abby. Probably the latter, she thinks.

 

Abby politely nods along in response before suddenly grabbing Leah’s hand. Catching Leah completely by surprise, she finds herself staring at her with slightly wide eyes as she let’s Abby lead her by their connected hands.

 

It’s just hand holding, she knows that, but she can’t help the way her heart races and her eyes linger on their connected hands as they talk to people on their journey through the house. Abby never letting go of her, and she tries not to get ahead of herself by reading into it.

 

She takes in her surroundings, it’s obvious that most people are already drunk and look like they’re having the times of their lives. It almost makes her feel jealous, for a moment she wonders if drinking will let her loosen up a bit but she doesn’t want to suffer through drinking gross beer to see if that’s actually true. And a part of her is afraid of what might happen if she drinks enough to lose her filter.

 

As they make it out into the backyard, she’s tempted to go find Simon so they can find a corner and make fun of drunken idiots the way they always do at parties. And she figures Abby won’t miss her, she clears her throat, “Hey, Abby, I’m-”

 

“Oh! I love this song!” Abby says excitedly cutting her off before she could finish. She turns to face her with a grin, already moving to the music. “Dance with me?”

 

Before Leah can even protest, she’s already being led towards the makeshift dance floor area of the backyard. And she finds herself swaying awkwardly as Abby dances in front of her. “I don’t really dance,” she admits, feeling so out of place, so uncomfortable.

 

Abby shakes her head, brightly smiling at her. “C’mon, you got this,” she encourages, moving along to the music and dancing as if she doesn’t have a care in the world.

 

And Leah is both hypnotized by it and jealous because Abby is just so comfortable in her own skin and Leah can’t help but feel too awkward in her own skin. She can’t dance, unsure of what to do with her hands and even more unsure of how to respond to Abby practically inches from grinding on her.

 

This is definitely on the list of things completely out of Leah’s comfort zone, but she can’t bring herself to leave (she tries to tell herself it has nothing at all to do with the way Abby keeps looking at her, though she knows that’s a lie).

 

It isn’t until Martin Addison comes over to ruin the moment, if she can even call it that. She’s surprised that he doesn’t hurt anyone with his dancing. All in all, he puts an end to their dancing endeavors.

 

Abby pulls her towards the keg, and Leah’s already feeling too overwhelmed by all of this. She needs space, a moment alone (or as alone as she can be at a party. Mostly she just needs a minute away from Abby to recollect her thoughts.

 

“I… I don’t drink, so I’m going to go find some water or something,” she says, awkwardly. “I’ll, uh, I’ll find you later.”

 

She thinks she’s imagining the disappointed look that flashes over Abby’s features, but she nods. “Okay.” Abby smiles, “Find me later.”

 

“Sure,” she nods, before quickly making her way back inside. Finally letting herself breath when there’s enough distance between them.

  


*

  


Leah ends up sitting on a stool in the kitchen, eating from one of the bags of chips that are covering the counter. It’s one of the only empty places she can find without locking herself in a bathroom like a complete loser. It’s not quiet at all, and people pass through every once in a while but it’s better than nothing.

 

“There you are!”

 

She startles slightly, looking over to see Abby making her way into the kitchen with a small smile as she stops right beside her. “I’ve been looking for you,” she says, leaning against the counter.

 

Leah doesn’t bother to try to hide her surprise as she asks, “You have?”

 

Abby hums in response, nodding. “I got roped into playing a few rounds of Beirut. But as soon as we called it quits I came looking for you,” she explains, reaching over to grab a handful of chips. “Bram and Simon are a scary good team. And Martin is a horrible partner,” she adds with a slight pout. “Wish you were there to save me from that.”

 

She laughs slightly, there’s a weird pause in her mind as she takes in the information. It’s almost like she’s stepped into the twilight zone, where Simon plays alcohol party games and drinks. She’d ask for clarification if she didn’t already know that he was the only Simon either of them knew.  And if she wasn’t much more curious about what that last part meant.

 

“Well,” she starts, looking away. “I don’t know if I’d be a much better partner. I mean, I hate beer.”

 

“I would’ve drank yours for you. I wouldn’t have minded,” Abby says smiling softly.

 

“Why?” she asks slowly, brows furrowing. Drinking beer for someone else seems like such a ridiculous concept, she can’t really grasp it. It’s gross and she would never wish that on anyone, though it’s clear Abby doesn’t mind the taste but still.

 

Abby shrugs easily, “I’d rather have you as a partner than Martin.”

 

Right, Leah thinks, and really the thing is that anyone would be a better partner than Martin. She hadn’t even seen how bad he was, but she can just tell that spending any extended time with him is no fun.

 

“Besides, I think we’d make an awesome team. Don’t you?” Abby asks with a teasing smile, nudging her gently out of her thoughts.

 

And Leah feels just a bit breathless by it, she nods because she can’t quite find the words to respond to that. It’s almost pathetic because thinking they’d make a good team doesn’t even mean anything other than just that. But the way she says it, so casually yet earnestly, is causing butterflies to erupt in her stomach.

 

It doesn’t help that Abby’s looking at her with a soft expression, and Leah’s not quite sure what to make of it. She’s about to say something, anything. But then Abby’s gaze shifts towards the counter.

 

Abby smiles, dropping the chips on a napkin before reaching over to grab Leah’s abandoned hat to put it on. “How do I look?” she asks, looking off into the distance with a mock serious expression.

 

“You always look amazing,” she blurts out. She can feel her cheeks burning as Abby sharply turns towards her, eyes wide. “It’s... The hat looks better on you than it does on me,” she tries to backtrack, although it’s much too late for that.

 

Abby’s eyes soften, and her lips quirk up at the corners into a small, almost shy smile. “Stop it,” she says, her eyes flickering down to Leah’s outfit. “You look amazing.”

 

“Oh,” she eloquently replies, her heart drumming along faster and faster by the second. She chuckles nervously, shaking her head, “Clearly you’re drunker than I thought.”

 

Abby makes an affronted noise. “I’m not _that_ drunk. I mean, sure I’ve been drinking, but Martin drank most of mine because he felt bad,” she explains, shaking her head and laughing. “That’s completely not the point. My point is that I mean it,” she says, and then softly adds, “You look really, really amazing.”

 

It takes a moment to realize that Abby’s been steadily leaning closer to her, her eyes soft. There’s something unreadable in her expression as her eyes flicker down slightly towards her lips. And Leah feels her breath get caught as she realizes that Abby might actually kiss her, finding herself leaning towards her, like they’re being magnetically drawn towards each other. Slowly moving so close, they’re going to kiss and yet...

 

Someone’s loudly stumbling into the kitchen and Abby practically jumps a foot back, chuckling nervously as she watches the person stumble towards the counter. Leah feels frozen in place, heart pounding loudly in her ears.

 

“Oh!” Abby says loudly, “Simon and Bram were going to sing, we should… You know, we have to see that,” she explains, all too casually, as if the previous minute or so didn't just happen. Like they weren’t about to kiss.

 

Leah nods dumbly, heartbeat still ringing in her ears. And feels jumpy as Abby grabs hold of her hand, tugging her off the seat and towards the basement where the karaoke machine is.

  


*

  


All thoughts of what almost happened in the kitchen are pushed to the side as she watches an incredibly drunk Simon on stage fumbling through the words with an equally drunk Bram, it’s definitely a sight to see. Even more entertaining is his solo performance that he is clearly letting himself get extremely into without a care.

 

It’s both a strange yet endearing sight to see Simon Spier drunk and singing karaoke. He looks free and like he’s having fun and Leah can’t help but smile at the sight as ridiculous as it is.

  


*

  


“Well, the room stopped spinning,” Simon says, sighing as he makes his way to his bed after putting on some music.

 

She laughs quietly, shaking her head as she watches him plop down onto his bed. If she’s honest she never thought she’d see the day Simon got drunk, or at least not while they were still in high school.

 

He’s laying down staring at the ceiling as the music plays, and she moves to lay down too. Their heads resting close to each other as they fall into a silence and Leah let’s herself run through the events of the night. Even the ones she’s been trying not to think about.

 

“Do you ever feel weird?” she finds herself asking.  


There’s a pause, and then he asks, “Weird?”  


“Yeah,” she says, sitting up to look at him better. “Sometimes I feel like I'm always on the outside.”  


Simon just looks at her as she talks, then shifts his body, propping himself up by his elbows. “What do you mean?” he asks.  


She swallows, looking away from his gaze. “Like tonight, you know…” she starts to say, trying to find the best words to explain herself, “I was at that party, and it was fun, but… it kinda felt like I was watching it from across the room. I don't know, there's this invisible line that I have to cross to really be a part of everything and I just.” She pauses, “I can't ever cross it.”  


He nods along, a look of understanding crossing his face. He says, “I feel that way sometimes, too.”  


“Not tonight you didn't,” she points out with a slight chuckle.  


“Yeah,” he shrugs awkwardly, shifting a bit, “I was trying something.”  


She wishes she could be more like that, wishes she could try it at the very least. But it’s just not a part of who she is, she’s incapable of stepping that much out of comfort zone.

 

“Yeah, sometimes I think it'd be so much easier to be one of those people who can just take a few shots and then hook up with whoever's closest,” she admits, letting out a soft sigh. It’d be much more easier not to care so much. “Yeah, I guess I'm just unlucky,” she adds.  


“Unlucky? Why?”

 

She pauses looking down as she picks at a loose string of his blanket, she’s unsure of where to even begin. The thing is she’s unlucky because she always likes people more than they like her, she’s always seen as just a friend. She’s unlucky because she’s such a fucking cliche who’s in love with her best friend and knows deep down he doesn’t love her the same way, no matter how many small scraps of hopes she clings to. She’s unlucky because she’s crushing on a straight girl, and it would have been so easy to get drunk and make out with her in one of Bram’s rooms and have it mean absolutely nothing.

 

But she’s unlucky, so she knows that it would only end up meaning absolutely nothing to Abby and would mean _too much_ to Leah.   


“Because I'm not a casual person,” she settles on saying.

 

“What kind of person are you?”

 

“I think I'm the kind of person who is destined to care so much about one person, it nearly kills me,” she explains after a moment, and she feels the anxiety running through her entire being because she’s practically pulling her heart out of her chest for Simon to see.

 

She can’t be sure which person she’s referring to, she thinks it’s Simon because she always comes back to her crush on him. But maybe it might be Abby, who’s been sneaking into her heart since the moment they met, as much as she’s been trying not to acknowledge it.

 

Simon has this faraway look as he nods. He turns to look at her with an open and honest expression. “Me too,” he admits quietly.

 

There’s this pause of silence, a moment of solidarity and understandment. And she can feel her heart banging louder and faster in her chest as she stares back at him. She thinks he can see the real meaning of her words, that he really is on the same page. Maybe, he means it in the same way she does. She thinks maybe this is it, she can reach out and-

 

He shifts suddenly, his expression closing off slightly, and abruptly says, “It's getting late.”

 

Breaking whatever trance has taken over her as she nods jerkily, watching him move away to his spot. And slowly she moves to lay down in her own place, pulling the blanket around her, mind stirring with too many thoughts and feelings.   


She swallows slightly, pushing down and willing her heart to stop beating so fast. “Si?”  
  
A pause, then: “Yeah?”   


For a brief moment she considers saying something impulsive like admitting her feelings, but she can’t bring herself to do that. Instead, she settles on simply saying, “Good night.”

  
“Good night.”

 

Sleep doesn’t come easy, and she can tell Simon isn’t sleeping yet either. At one point the room is filled with the glow of his laptop screen and the sound of him typing away. A part of her really wants to ask him what he’s doing, but she doesn’t move just buries herself even more into the blanket.

 

She finds herself thinking over their conversation, replaying it over and over. Going through other moments over the course of their friendship. And the more she thinks about it, the more she realizes that they weren’t exactly on the same page after all. The more she realizes they’ll probably never be.

 

It’s apparent that he hadn’t been poking through her exposed heart to see the truths that lie within, and she wonders if that’s for the best or not.

 

(It’s hard to let go of the tiny glimmers of hope completely, but she knows it’s only hurting her more to cling to it. The useless hopes of something more, she just doesn’t know how to stop.)   


 

*

  


On Sunday when she’s at home, she pulls out her sketchbook to keep herself busy from thinking too much. Her mind keeps racing with thoughts revolving around that night, specifically Abby and Simon.

 

And then mostly Abby, Abby, Abby.

 

So she sketches aimlessly to give her mind something else to focus on. Something that’s not an aching longing for a boy who’s definitely not on the same page, or for a girl whose motives are unclear and confusing the hell out of her.

 

At first it’s just scribbles on the blank page until she starts noticing she’s drawing eyes over and over. Eyes that are too familiar, and as she tries her eyes over she notices the rough sketch of the Wonder Woman logo.

 

She flips to a new page and begins again this time with more meaning, giving in to hopeless thoughts fuel her creative process. In the end she’s drawing Wonder Woman, but not actually because she’s drawing Abby Suso dressed as Wonder Woman and herself as Yoko Ono standing side by side.

 

And normally, she would keep this tucked away in her sketchbook and never letting anyone ever see. It shouldn’t see the light of day, she knows this, but for some reason she’s feeling brave, or is just being incredibly careless and idiotic. Either way she’s carefully tearing it out of her sketchbook.

 

For once she’s letting herself want and put her heart on the line.

  


*

  


Leah feels like the drawing is burning a hole through her bag by the time they get to school, they’re about to walk in as a group the same way they normally do each morning. But Leah feels a rush of stupid bravery, and touches Abby’s elbow, “Abby. I, uh. Can you hang back for a second? I want to show you something.”

 

Abby’s blinding smile in response causes something to dislodge in Leah’s chest, as she waves off the boys a few feet ahead of them already, turned as if they just noticed their absence. “Don’t wait, we’ll catch up,” she calls out.

 

Simon doesn’t need much convincing, nodding as he walks away, but Nick hesitates before following right behind Simon. Leah lets out a slight breath as she moves her bag in front of her, she pauses, looking at Abby. “You can’t laugh, okay?”

 

This immediately earns a laugh from Abby, she smiles before nodding. “Sorry, okay,” she says, looking at her expectantly. “I won’t laugh.”

 

She swallows hard, the nerves finally flowing and thrumming through her veins, but it’s too late to back out now. She has to give her the drawing, she takes a deep breath as she pulls the paper out and holds it out for her. But she can’t bring herself to look at Abby’s face so she keeps her eyes on the paper and Abby’s hands as she gently takes it from her.

 

There’s a long pause of silence, and Leah’s regretting this impossibly idiotic plan of hers. She doesn’t even know what she’s expecting to happen. She’s not sure what she was thinking, this is weird. It’s weird and Abby will end their friendship over this weird creepy drawing.

 

It’s just a drawing, she reminds herself. But she knows deep down that it’s not. It feels much more significant than that, it’s an open love letter, a question, her hopes. It’s like she’s once again pulling her heart out of her chest and putting it on display, and she just hopes it won’t backfire in the worse ways.

 

“Wow,” Abby finally says, sounding in awe. “This is… Wow, you drew this?”

 

Leah finally brings her gaze up to meet Abby’s, to finally take in her expression. She’s surprised to see that she’s smiling so softly, she looks amazed and it makes her feel stupidly hopeful. She nods slowly, “Yeah. I did.”

 

Abby’s smile grows bigger, more brighter as she looks at the drawing again. “It’s amazing, you’re amazing,” she says, “Wow. I love it so much. I can keep it, right?”

 

She feels a rush of surprise at the question, she hadn’t been expecting Abby to ask to keep it. “Yeah, of course. I, uh. I drew it for you,” she admits, nodding and she can feel her cheeks burning.

 

There’s a look that crosses Abby’s face, she looks almost stunned. Her smile softens, turning into something shyer as she looks at Leah and then at the drawing. She pauses, biting her lip slightly, and then: “Can I tell you a secret?”

 

“Of course,” she replies, suddenly breathless as she shrugs.

 

“Um,” Abby starts, taking a deep breath as she meets Leah’s gaze, she looks hesitant. “I… Wow. I’m really nervous,” she admits with a chuckle, crisply folding the drawing, “So. I-”

 

“Abby Suso!”

 

That startles the both of them as they turn towards the source of the shout, to see Martin Addison jogging towards them, because of course he just has the worst timing in the world. Leah doesn’t bother to hide her eye roll, which gets a small snort from Abby.

 

Abby then rests her hand on Leah’s arm. “I’ll tell you some other time,” she says softly before Martin can come up to them.

 

She lets out a deep breath, nodding. “Okay. I’m going to hold you to that, Suso,” she replies, walking away to head inside, her heart still banging against her chest.

  


*

  


Leah can’t focus during class, she’s too busy thinking about what Abby could have wanted to say to her before Martin interrupted. By the time the lunch bell rings, she’s practically bursting with nerves as she makes her way to Abby’s locker, hoping to get the secret out of her before it nearly kills her.

 

She lets out a sigh of relief as she sees that neither of the boys are with her. “Abby, hey,” she says, feeling that familiar thrum of nerves running through her body again.

 

Abby looks up from her things, her grin widening as she looks at Leah. “Hey. What’s up?”

 

Leah swallows, looking around the hall briefly. “So, about that secret of yours,” she says, trying for casual but she just knows it comes out a bit strained.

 

“Oh,” she whispers, her smile taking a nervous edge as she looks away. If Leah were to guess, she’d say that Abby’s flustered as she quickly switches out her books, fumbling just a bit before shutting her locker. “Can we go somewhere,” she says, not meeting her gaze. “More private?”

 

Leah pauses, shrugging. “Oh, uh. Sure?”

 

Abby smiles slightly, briefly touching her arm before she nods for her to follow, “The dressing rooms are usually unlocked. So, yeah.”

 

She’s not sure there’s any response she can give to that, so she just follows. Her mind and heart both racing a million miles per second with each step towards the dressing room, neither of them talking as they walk.

 

Once inside the dressing room, Abby sits down immediately and she’s looking off to the side, seemingly lost in thought.

 

Leah stands awkwardly, the silence dragging on to the point of it being suffocating. She clears her throat, bringing Abby’s attention back to her. The look on her face is not something Leah would have expected to see from her, she looks nervous and worried.

 

“So, there’s no easy way to say this, and I’m… I’d understand if you like, hate me or something. I don’t know,” Abby starts rambling slightly. “Whatever. I’m just. Forget it.”

 

Her mouth feels incredibly dry. “Well. Don’t leave me hanging now,” she teases but it comes out all wrong to her own ears.

 

Abby nervously laughs, and takes a deep breath, then says, “Ireallywantedtokissyou.”

 

Leah blinks. “What?”

 

“I… I really wanted to kiss you,” she repeats slower, her eyes wide like she can’t believe she’s admitting this aloud. “That night at Bram’s party. But also, like, every other day too.”

 

Leah sucks in a sharp breathe, this feels too good to be true. She thinks at any moment she’ll wake to find this was a dream, or even that Abby will laugh meanly revealing it’s a joke. But the longer the silence goes on, the more Abby’s face falls.

 

“I’m sorry, Leah,” she says finally, breaking the silence. “I shouldn’t… I just thought.” She shakes her head as if ridding any thoughts, she stands up and grabs her bag. “I’m sorry if I’m making things weird or whatever. I’ll get it, if you want me to give you space and eat lunch at another table. Ugh. Really, I’m sorry-”

 

“Why don’t you?” Leah blurts out, finally finding her footing, her mouth feeling incredibly dry. And her heart feels like it’s caught in her throat.

 

Abby freezes, looking stunned. “What?”

 

Leah swallows hard, licking her lips slightly. She feels so vulnerable and terrified, but somehow she feels brave enough to take a step forward. “Why don’t you kiss me?”

 

Abby’s staring at her with wide eyes, she parts her lips as she searches Leah’s expression. “You would let me kiss you?” she asks barely above a whisper.

 

“Yeah,” she breathes, “I would.”

 

And god, she really means it. She wants nothing more than to kiss her right now, ignoring all her rules about not stepping out of her comfort zone. And kissing Abby Suso in a dressing room at school is definitely on that list, but she finds she doesn’t even care. She’s taking a hesitant step forward, and Abby mimics the step.

 

They meet halfway, hesitant and slow. Lips pressing together in a chaste, incredibly soft kiss. It’s something delicate, like their offering up their hearts to each other and are trying to be careful in case this all goes wrong.

 

It’s a confession, a beginning, and it leaves her breathless when they pull apart. Abby looking at her bright eyed and she feels the thrum of her heart skipping a beat.

 

“Kiss me again,” she whispers.

 

Abby laughs softly, and she kisses her again. This time more certain, more heated, and it sends an electrifying thrum throughout her entire body.

 

 

 


End file.
